who needs instructions anyway?

who needs instructions anyway?

Who needs instructions anyway, right? Not this girl….because I am guaranteed to have lost them no sooner than I opened the proverbial box, and if you ask either of the men in my house…they “didn’t see any instructions” anyway.

Why, you might ask? Why did I lose the instructions? Well, because I lose everything. No matter what nifty little DIY organizational tips I try to incorporate into my every day life, or how many variations of post-it note reminders I post on every surface of everything I come into contact with, I would still lose my head if it weren’t attached. I believe they coined that phrase just for people like me.

I remember my childhood phone number from over 20 years ago…205-833-7431. I can tell you all of my teachers names, from K-5 through college, and I can tell you that when I caught my first fish I was wearing purple Lee jeans, a white patterned turtle neck and pink Chucks with Tweety-Bird on the side. (What a day for high fashion in the 90s!) But I definitely don’t remember what I needed from the grocery store, when my son’s school project is due, or why I walked into the kitchen 20 minutes ago.

I’m one of those people who actually reads in the instructions that are included in the box. That is my go-to, first step. Which probably explains why I always lose them. Life has a funny way of yanking the table cloth out from underneath you right when you get all of the dishes set. Hey life, i see what you did there.

You know how people often say that they lost their mind when they were pregnant, and just never really got it back. Well, I can only assume that is what happened to mine. Since my pregnancy was well over 12 years ago, I’ve been flying by the seat of my pants for over a decade now. They must be strong pants, huh? Like 1990’s purple Lee Jeans strong.

So back to men of my house, and how they assume nothing comes with instructions, because let’s face it, if it did, they wouldn’t read them anyway. What do we do when the instructions seems to have been misplaced? We do the best we can with what we have. We put the pieces together the best way we know how and hope to achieve a favorable end result. We make it work. Every. Single. Time.

Sure, instruction manuals may be important to some but if I have learned anything in my 32 years, I have learned that life doesn’t come with instructions. Parenting most definitely doesn’t come with instructions. And if there is any sort of manual in existence to help navigate this thing we call “adulthood,” I most certainly haven’t located it yet.

So lose the instructions. Hell, lose them on purpose. Throw them out the window! Take a stroll off the beaten path, and figure out your own way. Brave new adventures. Lean on those around you and find a way to work together and reach a solution to your problem, or face it alone. No matter what life throws at you, don’t look around for someone who has been there before you to provide you with instruction and guidance. Grab life by the horns and hold on tight. Fly by the seat of your pants….if you remembered to put pants on today.

 

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CAUTION: ASSHOLES AHEAD.

CAUTION: ASSHOLES AHEAD.

Assholes_ahead

so you have a bad morning. your hair doesn’t do right. your mascara clumps. you spill coffee on your blouse having to slam on the brakes when speedy sam cuts you off on the interstate and you come to a halt in standstill traffic just before your exit. you’re 15 minutes late for work, and your egotistical boss is impatiently waiting on you at your desk when you walk in. just one of those days where you just aren’t feeling it. can i get a do-over? maybe a mulligan? just this one time? i can’t adult today. obviously the forces of nature are against me. is it nap time yet? i just can’t deal with assholes today.

fast forward to lunch time. four hours into this seemingly never-ending day, and my stomach is speaking a foreign language to me. better feed my wild side. let me tell you, there is no better place in the world to feel like a teenager again than in an office break room. there are cliques. there are rumors. there is an embarrassing amount of gossip. there are inappropriate conversations, people pretending to be interested in what their neighbor is saying, and there is the undeniable division between social classes, so-to-speak. flash back to a high school lunchroom around 11:30, and this is it.

on this particular day, the rumor mill was churning. when you walk in a room and the whispers immediately cease, you kinda get the jist of where that conversation was going. it’s not that the whispering was necessarily about me, it’s just that conversation was not intended to be heard by the lingering ears of whoever may appear behind that door. i hear the conversation quietly continue, but not quietly enough. as i wait for my Lean Cuisine to heat for a painfully long 7 minutes, i hear these women completely berate a fellow co-worker, who is obviously not present to defend herself. i listened to these women, who are adults, wives, mothers, and professionals, speak of this woman’s character, her physical appearance, and their opinions as to her chosen lifestyle. when asked to chime in with my opinion about her “awful dress” she had on today, i politely declined. as soon as my 7 minutes was up, i took my lunch to my desk and thought, damn, what a bunch of assholes.

but you know, these assholes are different than the assholes in the high school lunchroom. these assholes KNOW BETTER. teenagers lack the maturity to fully differentiate right from wrong in many situations. teenagers often lack the life experience to be able to put themselves in someone else’s shoes in order to be empathetic of their situation. these assholes do have the knowledge and maturity to know better. i decided today that adults are the biggest bullies out there. we as adults, mothers and fathers, we should be sticking together to make the world a nicer place, instead, we try to teach our children right from wrong, and how to be loving and accepting of all of God’s creatures, while we ourselves are being complete assholes to one another.get it together people! let’s break the cycle right here.

fast forward some more and i have somehow survived 8 hours with one of the most entitled, self-centered, needy men on this planet. i’m not talking about my boyfriend either, i can at least tell him when he’s being an asshole. i mean the asshole that i have to be nice to, because it pays my bills. nobody ever warned me that i would be forced to be nice to someone who can be such an ass.

adulthood should come with a warning: WATCH OUT FOR ASSHOLES.

or: CAUTION, ASSHOLES AHEAD.

i think along the way that you kinda assume that with age comes maturity, and you like to think that while you feel yourself progressing and maturing and learning from life’s circumstances, that others are doing the same. the sad reality is that they aren’t, and most people are just assholes.

they say ignorance is bliss. for the puberty stricken teenagers in the high school lunch room 20 years ago, bless you and your ignorance. hold onto it as long as you possibly can. but for the skirts and suits in the office break room, you people are assholes.